Who do you run to when the one person who promised to be there for you is no longer available?

Nowadays I generally do not like who I am. I hate who I have become. I used to be so strong, and could handle almost anything. But now, I am the most fragile thing know to man. …it all happened when I let my guard down. And now that it is down, I cannot for the life of me figure out how to rebuild it.

See I tore my guard down, to let someone in. Someone who took the time to understand me. Someone who had patience in me. Someone who cared. But now, that someone is just a memory. Now that someone cannot handle the product of what was once me. The vulnerable me.

Now I am so vulnerable and filled with so much bleeding emotion. But I have no outlet, so I am force to torcher myself and try to hold it all in so that I won’t be a bother. Now when I cry, it is literally a fight in my head of me against myself. I try to convince myself that I am worth it. I try to tell myself that I am strong. I try to tell myself that I am beautiful. …but I can never convince myself.

So now I guess the question is:
What do you do, when you can no longer be strong and believe in yourself?

Breakdowns.

So I had a mental breakdown in a department store today. I couldn’t breathe and it was so hard to fight back the tears, that I had to let a few slip. Same thing happened to me this past Saturday when I was at church. I don’t know how long I can go without completely breaking down and letting all of my tears flow fully. And that is saying a lot, cause I don’t cry in public. But I don’t know, for some reason everything is just getting to me lately. Shit, I started crying in the middle of typing this. Oh well, I know niggas don’t care about this kinda stuff, but its hard not having someone to talk to, so i just typed it out here. But I will be leaving now.

Bye.

I haven’t written anything on here in a long time.
It’s a shame cause I’m so big on text posts and reading.
But there has seriously been a lot of things going on and going wrong with me and in my life.

…I know none of you care, just saying.

Is it to much to ask?

I want someone who will love me for me. I want someone who will care for me in the highest regard. I want someone who will treat me like I am their queen, just as I have treated him as he is my king. I want someone who will make me laugh. I want someone who will be there for me in my darkest of days. I want someone who can understand my stress on the little things. I want someone who is all of this….but I deserve so much more.

Everyone on twitter going in on Kim K. Shut the fuck up about her, shes living her life and it aint got shit to do with you. She’s pregnant, show me someone who isn’t…..difference is she isn’t some random hoe with a baby daddy, she is a woman in love with a successful man.

I’m not happy

No matter how hard I try to be nothing seems to work. I just want it all to stop. I want my smiles to be real and mean something. Rather than a temporary fix just to make someone else happy. I want to experience genuine happiness again. Rather than to have to cry myself to sleep every other night. I want to figure out what’s wrong with me so that I can just eliminate it and be happy with myself.

I’m so miserable.

When I grow up get married and have my own children, I will make sure that family values are instilled in them because it is important. Love, nurture, and traditions are important.

Every birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I sit in my room and figure out which friends house I can go to or who I can hang out with. Cause holidays don’t exist in my house. It’s so beyond mundane, it’s pathetic. Holidays and birthdays are just regular sucky crapy boring days here. Shit I barely got a happy birthday on my birthday…and that was only cause I told myself happy birthday in front of them.

Ehhh let me stop here, no point in ranting when no ones listening.

It’s a fucking shame how unhappy I am…

Like I a genuinely just not happy at all. Sure I will smile and laugh at times, but beneath that over all happiness doesn’t rest with me

One hour left until my birthday…..

I am not even in the least bit of excitement. Everything just feels so mundane. I don’t feel special at all. Don’t get me wrong I am completely grateful to be able to see another year of life…..but I’m just not happy.

I can’t stand it here. I love the fact that I am home….but i hate being in my house. Constantly being put down everyday. Having everything I do or say criticized. Being called fat and having my body and clothes ridiculed. Never feeling like I’m good enough or pretty enough. I really do just hate it. I hate her, and I hate her for making me hate her cause I’m supposed to love her.

bebek1d:

you have such a way with words

that they slip under my shirt

slide down my spine 

and give me chills

your words they,

they caress my very being

and carry me a top the swift breeze

they whisper sweet nothings in my ear

just to get that little giggle

that one smirk on my face

the touch my lips so sweetly

ever so softly

…leaving me wanting more

I forgot how to write

So many emotions

But no words

So many feelings

Go unheard

Every time I try to open my mouth

Nothing seems to come out

Sitting here trying write a poem

But how can I describe whats inside

How can I make you feel my thoughts

Rather than just hear my words

See this writing thing used to come easy to me

But that was before I knew what it was to feel

Before I knew what it meant to be loved

To be heartbroken, lied to, talked about…

Forgotten

Before I had to lie, to others..

To myself

Back when I was blind and naive

Writing was so easy..

When I was just dreaming

But now everything is so real

My life is moving so fast

And I just cant keep up

I cant breathe

Taking away my pen

Is like taking away my will to live

Time is running out

I’m sitting here about to explode

I wanna get these words out

But I cant

Its like I forgot how to feel

How to live

How to see

Writing used to be who I am

But now its just who I was

Looking in the mirror trying to find me again

But I cant

Because

I forgot how to Write

I wrote this in high school

look deep into my eyes
search the wonders of my soul
look deep in to me
in the world i call my own

look deep into my eyes
take a journey through my soul
find peace within my eyes
and serenity all alone

look deep into my eyes
sing softly with my spirit
meditate in my mind
find joy that hides in secret

look deep into my eyes
find joy and happiness
look deep in to my eyes
there take sweet rest

I still remember our first kiss…..

Things were kind of awkward at first. I mean why wouldn’t it have been. it was the first time we met in person. I didn’t really say much, I was shy, but you came and sat next to me. You bothered me for a while, until your grandmother told you to stop. But then she went into her room. You stood up and pulled me up with you then you asked for a hug so I complied. We hugged, and just stood there in the middle of the room for a minute. I just stared at you cause I couldn’t believe it was real…and then you kissed me for the first time. And I swear I melted. It just felt so natural, and so unlike any other thing I’ve experienced. The passion that I felt, it surged through my whole body. 

I still remember our first kiss….and everyone after that.